October is a strange month for me. Saying this month stirs up emotions is an over simplification. No amount of elapsed time makes it easier. It’s the month we celebrate my sister’s birthday and we would have also celebrated my mother’s birthday too. Her birthday preceded my sister’s, mother’s birthday was on the 10th and my sister’s on the 11th. She died on the 8th, two days to her birthday. I no longer miss her as intensely as I used to. Saying this out loud feels like a betrayal of sorts and more often than not my mother appears in my dreams and not in any specific way just the usual; we’re about to go out, or we’re hanging out in the house.
I never recall our conversations, just echoes of voices, the familiarity of her voice, her laughter, and feet moving from one part of the house to another. These dreams always end the same. I’d dream we’re going out on errands; you can hear feet hurrying outside, I always yelling, “I’m coming,” as I ran to the door. I turn to the sound of the latch, as the door locks behind me, only to see the car driving away. I run after it, never really catching up only to see the brake lights as it turns a corner and she’s gone.
I would wake with an ache gnawing ceaselessly at me. I’m reminded of her passing, and I begin to feel the familiar ache that reminds me of an old scab, one that irritates and itches as it heals. There’s no more pain only a reminder of the injury, I scratch away.....
